blog
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Take Me To Funeral Church
I love going to church. It’s so fun, so regimented, very little thought involved. Plus, I think we can all agree that church architecture and interior decoration is very neat. Also when you think about it, very metal. Like, catholic churches just love to have bleeding, dying Jesus everywhere. One church I went to had Continue reading
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Fancy Boxes for Dead People
I bring up the fact that funerals are expensive a lot. Because they are! Every aspect costs way more than you expect. Even in death, we are not free from capitalism (or at least whoever foots the bill). One of the biggest fluctuations in cost is the casket. And just so we’re clear: a coffin Continue reading
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The Act of Talking Nicely About the Dead
What was that statistic; people are afraid of public speaking 75% more than they fear death? Is that considered ironic in this industry? I don’t know, ask Alanis Morissette. Regardless, getting up in front of a crowd and talking about anything can be nerve wracking on the best of days. I can only assume it Continue reading
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Funeral Music; or The Psychological Torture of “What a Wonderful World”
Do you listen to music? Do you enjoy music? Does it speak to your soul in some way? I’m sure you do, it would be absolutely sociopathic to hate music. What about this: what is your song? The song that perfectly encapsulates you, your spirit, the way you choose to live your life. Think of Continue reading
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Working With Funeral Directors
Being fancy furniture isn’t exactly rocket surgery. It can get hectic and complicated but for the most part, if you have a good head on your shoulders, you don’t need to use it. Mostly because the hope is the funeral director knows how to properly move the furniture around. Hope. We work with a decent Continue reading
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How to Suck at Pallbearing
Okay gentlemen, first, thank you for volunteering. We’re going to do what is called a ‘head carry.’ That means we’re going to carry the casket head-first onto that lowering devise at the grave. So you are going to face away from the coach and as I draw the casket out, you are going to receive Continue reading
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Graveside (Yes, we know which way to casket is facing)
Of the entire process of funerals, graveside is the easiest. Anything before that–any driveby, the service, the procession, the set up–is stressful. Standing at graveside is the easiest thing in the world. Comparatively, of course. Flower van has the struggle of setting up flower stands before everyone arrives while also directing parking for any early Continue reading
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Funeral Drip
One of the most unifying activities among humans is judging people. Good or bad judgement, doesn’t matter. We all do it, no exceptions. Whether you can admit it or not is your own damage. Attendants spend a lot of time grooming each other and making sure our uniforms are up to snuff. We notice every Continue reading
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I Do Not Have A Dream Job, But I Do Dream of Labour
Works dreams have got to be one of the worst consequences of industrial society. Doesn’t matter if it’s a good dream or a nightmare, love your job or hate it–not being allowed an uninterrupted 8ish hours of respite from the existential horrors of being alive is fucking lame. Forget taxes, high school should have taught Continue reading
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Forced Courtesy & Procession Driving
Needs be repeated over and over: I have the road rage. It’s fine, I swear. Just yelling and rude gestures, nothing dangerous, I’m not a savage (my care is too slow). A funeral procession is simply a caravan of funeral vehicles (lead, hearse, limo, etc.) that process from one location (church, funeral home, whatever) to Continue reading
Good Mourning 